Is Emotional Investment A Turn Off?
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50 Comments
Could I get an example that is not “madly head over heels” specifically, like a more typical level of romantic involvement?
I fall in love very quickly, but I usually temper my emotions to match the person I'm conversing with. But if I get a positive response and feel that feelings are mutual – we can go from 0 to 100 so fast, and it's honestly very fun. It's weird to me that some people think that being emotionally invested is a turn off. For me, care and compassion is biggest turn on
This is a great topic that I think isn’t discussed enough. Growing up I was rejected by so many girls in early high school as I came on far too strong when I liked a girl. They would like me at first and then I love bomb them fast, and were so turned off by it. I learned to instead pace myself and show a little bit of investment , enough to reel them in and then I noticed I would only be successful with women when I care less.
But my major problem in adulthood now is that my girlfriend seems to want the opposite. I’m very careless now bc I’m afraid to maximize my emotional input (thinking she’ll be turned off by it) but she absolutely hates my lack of emotional investment.
I think that girls in particular are turned off by it in high school + early 20s, and then later in life for them it’s all about getting maximum commitment .
Yup experience this alot thanks to Pornography
Women want emotional investment from men with value to invest — whether social, psychological, recreational, or financial.
No. Emotional investment is fucking hot! Don't be shy about it. I guess the exception to that is when you emotionally invest in people who hate themselves and then they hate anybody who likes them, but that its their problem and not yours. Live your life, experience love, it is INSANE fun.
Whoever says emotional investment is a turn off should be evaluated because they are extremely dangerous.
I've always found this – if I'm invested and my investment is not proportionately returned to me, it's an enormous and immediate turnoff inside and out
So basically when the attractive charismatic guy is emotionally invested it’s cool, but when I do it, it’s always gonna be creepy, got it. I mean that’s what I figured but nice to hear someone else say it
Yeah like if i like you enough for some fun but not enough for like something bigger, i will be turned off by your "intentions" and plans and ideas that i will am not into. Both need to have the same idea and be into something they are both up for emotionally.
I think this is true for people with a more secure attachment style, but for insecure attachment styles, especially fearful avoidants, it can be a "turn off" because they fear enmeshment/entrapment so severely and also feel like they have to "earn" love, and don't trust it when it comes to them too easily. Someone else being emotionally invested in them is also unfamiliar to them and therefore outside their comfort zone. It's counter-intuitive to think that someone could be turned off by getting the very thing they want, but emotional unavailability is a very real thing. In my case as a fearful avoidant, I would both experience being turned off by emotional investment from people I was very much in love with, and also would project onto them that they would be turned off by me being emotionally invested in them. 😞
Avoidant attachment can make normal investment seem like overkill
I was like… uh more like the opposite?
happens to me a lot. im a very slow person emotionally, but not sexually. let me tell you, it's never not bad to have to turn down a friend because they fell in love with you and you didn't. everyone comes out of it miserable 😢
outside of dating i feel like all my life theres been a non-stop discrepancy of emotional investment, where regardless of how i act its usually unreciprocated. How am i supposed to believe there's magically gonna be someone who's equally invested at some point?
Thanks; no one has ponied up and told me it's okay that I'm put off by that.
Eh, this is harder than dr.K is saying. We don't know how much emotionally invested someone is, until they show it. We show it through displays of affection. Aaand that level can be higher than ours. Even then, it can be attractive. There's the lovebombing: a stranger shows a lot more affection than normal, to a affection starved person, and that person starts to desire to reciprocate. There is also people that do not like PDAs, so they become creeped not because they are unattracted, because they do not like to show it publically. Even if the emotional investment is unequal, the relationship can grow stronger.
what is love fatha
It’s turned me off of a lot of guys. I don’t think men realise it but when they’re declaring love after a couple of nice chats on a bus ride it’s actually pretty scary.
Needed to hear this.
For the average person, emotional investment is a good thing. For a damaged person, it can absolutely be a turn off. I feel the study (ies) had regular ppl, and not ppl with trauma
Investment is good, dependence is a problem. One of the most attractive things about my boyfriend is that I know he'll be okay if we break up, as will I. A lot of guys these days are just much too heavy in a relationship and it's a lot of pressure. They have two dates and want to start acting like we're married.
This keeps happening to me where people I barely know and don't even particularly like will become super emotionally invested, dump all their traumas and act like we're great friends after one or two conversations. It's like, I don't know anything about you, and you don't know anything about me. So why are you like this.
Sad to see the obvious having to be stated as if it weren't
'Emotional investment is unattractive ' – Didn't even have to click to know that this is INCEL logic at work. I can't even. Everytime a topic arises that is fueled by incel frustration, I am zoning out.
I feel like I spawned with this knowledge
Perhaps this is connected with a person who feels safer with anxiety or depression because that person is used to that feeling. If this is true, then perhaps this person feels that unhappy is connected with who that person is, connected with the personality itself. When this happens, it is very difficult for that person to be happy because the unhappiness is a part of the personality. Changing this into happiness means that the person would have to change his/her personality. I think that a way to change this is to detach from the unhappiness, meaning that this is just a feeling but not who this person deeply is. I have bipolar, and as soon as I detached from it and no longer thought bipolar is who I am, I was able to see problems and to solve those problems without thinking that who I am was connected with bipolar. Then, I saw my triggers for manic thoughts and could remove those triggers without changing who I am. This and meditation, something I do daily, helps me to see manic thoughts without using those thoughts. I can choose which thoughts I use and which thoughts I know are useless and only give me a minute of dopamine. I don't think that this thought helps everybody, but I do hope that this is useful for somebody.
Dr k forgets his audience is a bunch of men who learned from experience women hate emotional investment. Unless you are either super tall or wealthy. Then its ok
I can't believe this needs to be said
He’s saying yall are giving y’all’s all right away when the girl is not nearly giving what you’re giving and that’s why it’s unattractive. If they girl is giving you her all then you give her your all but if the woman gives you 45% I feel you should probably give 30 percent just so that she’s the one feeling emotional and not you cause if you’re emotional first you will lose and that’s a fact and honestly even if a woman gives you 100 percent you should still probably only give her 80 for the extra emotional wiggle room
Saying "I love you" in the first 6 weeks isn't normal is it? I feel like im being manipulated, especially since I don't feel the same way since we haven't known eachother long enough.
I like to chase friendships with people but as soon as they reciprocate I flake. I want to be friends with them I just don’t want them to like me back for some reason. I guess it’s commitment
Yessss to everything you said!
It's like the whole "kindness" if a woman likes you being kind is really good. If she doesn't it doesn't matter if you're kind. She still think you're an ick.
For those of you that don't understand this concept watch the series "How I Met Your Mother". Be Barney don't be Ted
Its all very simple. Typically the woman will just be less attracted to men at her level, so less enthusiastic. That's it.
So you both have to be creepy and cringe
Thank you so much! Excellent short clip on emotional discrepancy that you referred to as "creepy or cringe." When two are in sync, everything comes together perfectly, happy and healthy as you pointed out. if not, trust your sixth sense. ✌️ 🙏 🕊
I don't want that😂 that's annoying don't invest emotions in me I don't care about yours 🤷
Sometimes, mutual dislike can be attractive, too. haha
This makes me feel better about initially being interested in a girl, but then not continuing things once she seemed a lot more interested in me than I was in her
Regardless of any context, the phrase "So the first thing is that this is not correct." goes so hard
imagine taking this dunce serious 😂
Whether or not the discrepancy is large is less relevant than you might think. There is ALWAYS a discrepancy in how emotionally invested two people are in each other; unless you’re saying people fall in love at the same time for the same reasons and to the same degree? Therefore emotional investment IS unattractive because unless the other person is investing more, the discrepancy highlights your cringey behavior.
Sigh. I’m tired of this world.
To avoidants nothing is good enough
That happened with my parents. Met and then were engaged in 8 weeks. They've told us that they were so natural with each other and complemented each other so well that other people thought my parents had actually been together for years.
It’s the double-dahmer effect
It might be a framing problem. The person probably means that "A LACK of emotional investment seems to be a turn ON for some people."
Joder se me hace difícil tomar en serio el término incel jajajja